How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
Beethoven’s grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
