How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
