How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
I’m going to rewrite history
History
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
Should English be the only official language of the EU?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
