How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
why did the latino man go to the therapist?
to talk about hispanic attacks.
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
