How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
But later on they grew on me
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Remains to be seen.
Marry, Marry, Marry
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
Take the ring off and the house is gone
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
one watches cells and one sells watches
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I would probably only drive it from time to time
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
but it was actually just 'some bees'
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
He calls them missle toes.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
The correct answer was blood vessels.
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
We will be telling them tonight.
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.