How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Oops, wrong place for this post.
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
I guess we are raised differently…
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Same middle name
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
She really wanted a daughter.
It was accidental.
Sails have gone through the roof
It does have a Liverpool
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
..My door is always open.
I just came to this realization.
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Those kniving bastards.