How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
![Damn [credit to u/cosmobhoi]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/6mq9d2wac1251-400x410.png)
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
