How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
Itโs something I could always see myself doing
2 pilots meet
300 people died
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my sonโs train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
https://ift.tt/2tSJaME
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
My wife complains I donโt buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didnโt know she sold flowers.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
You should never buy Velcro
Itโs a total ripoff
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Why havenโt aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out โShouldnโt! Wouldnโt! Couldnโt! Didnโt! Canโt!โ
โDonโt worryโ, the doctor said, โThose are just the contractionsโ
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
A man in an interrogation room says โIโm not saying a word without my lawyer present.โ
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereโs my present?
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?โ The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeโs seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.โ The man says back, "Thatโs terrible, but couldnโt you get another close family member to come with you?โ The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei ๐
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
โWhat are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. โI use them in my juggling act,โ says the juggler. โOh yeah?โ โLetโs see you do it.โ Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, โWow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test theyโre making you do now!โ
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.