How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
I was told to post this here
this here
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
