How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
We’ll see about that…
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
I don’t know and I don’t care.
All I wanted was one night stand.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
She must be homeless..
A deck of carbs.
Because sin90 = cot45.
…that was not a question.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
When you're a billionaire.
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
It gives me the E B G Bs
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
Because You can't c in the dark
It’s all about raisin awareness
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
But I partied like it was $19.99