How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room. 1,000 years pass… Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please… Get m-me out of here…" Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally. "The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever. The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"