How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
No text found
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
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When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #50: Dance like No Bun is Watching](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-28-400x247.png)
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
