How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper….
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.