How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What does a house wear?
Address
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Why don’t zombies eat ghost?
They taste like sheet.
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".