How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?
Their booooobs.
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
