“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

They both barely cover the asshole

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?” Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

I can't tell you how upset I am!

There were a lot of red flags.

I gave him a glass of water.

Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family. "Would you look at the size of that Fucker!" he exclaims, startling the second priest. "Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised. The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican. Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this Fucker for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister. "You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth". "Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this Fucker so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope". Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!" The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an Italian Fucker Fish. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness. Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine" "I caught the Fucker." Says the first priest. "Well I brought the Fucker into the city." Says the second. "I scaled and gutted the Fucker." Says the nun. "And I cooked the Fucker." Says the mother superior. His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"