How do you think Greta must feel with all this
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
Dave walks into a bar
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"