How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.