How do you write a cliffhanger?
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What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
Donald Trump
[removed]
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.