How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Always like this
Always like this
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.