How does a Chinese millennial express his laughter?
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
I am so sorry reddit . . .
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.
She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these – "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".