How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Holding cows together
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Most Americans don't get it.
I almost choked on my own cock
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
There would be a mass confusion.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
…but I don’t believe him…
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
A Brothel Sprout
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
or just mething around?
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
That’s not a good sign.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I have a hunch it might be me.
He didn't want to be spotted
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
But no-one will do it.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
No text found
With a sea-saw.
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
…makes the game Monopoly.
As it stands, no.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
I'm all ears
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.