How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line is a parent
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.