How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking!
JK Rolling!
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
No text found
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
