How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?
By walking.
JK. Rolling.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
