How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.
JK. Rolling
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother