how does the blind woman find the egg?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
Megalodong
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early