How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
A professor, a janitor, and the school’s principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he can't take the kids' screaming any longer, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The principal says "I'll be a waitress. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." She is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive her insane, so she smashes her plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'd like to be an artist." He is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, and sells it for several million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor "The other two did not go well at their job. How were you able to become so successful?" The janitor says "I have a masters degree in art."
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".