How does this make it funny
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
Equivalent of tickling your friend to make them laugh because the joke sucked
Equivalent of tickling your friend to make them laugh because the joke sucked
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.