How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
What does a house wear?
Address
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!