How I Got Better At Debugging
It is not hard to understand
Wife bad, Golf epic
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
Mr. Ketone is clutch
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
Mr. T cell…
It’s 2020. Who has time to read books in between golfing and tweeting…
Do I actually need a title
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
Yes, but there are two in its place
Ah yes, friends of the Ancient U.S.
I’d vote me. I’d vote me hard.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
What is a deal-breaker for the cult?…Own it
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Be nice to everyone…
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Update from the Senate trial.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
Felt like this belongs here
I love VOR
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
It's your count who votes!
“Woah can you hack my friend’s Instagram?”
Just found this in my parents house
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
House Republicans Right Now
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
It’s Algorithm, Okay?
That was my reaction inside my head yesterday.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
Personal Issues (OC)
I don’t even know…
Python vs C++, java, etc
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
If a non boomer shares a boomer meme, does that make them boomer?
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Coping with the quarantine
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
I would die for this to be real
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
One for Donnie and one for his friend
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
Don’t be like billy
It has been very long time since I last saw Friendzone word
I hate my wife
Lets split some water
I thought this was funnier…
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
Pence Found This Part of His Conversion Quite Shocking
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Phone bad mirror good
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas…
… she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
Donnie is losing it