How inspirational
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
A monkey is smoking a joint
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star