Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I canβt remember the last time I ate a monkey.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
Dad: I canβt believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… Iβll start living in the present.
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
βHow long do you have to do that for?β I asked. βWhen is he too old for it?β βWell, itβs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnβt it? Itβs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.β βYeah, shut up Joe β I was talking to your mother.β
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Iβm still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently Iβve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminβ Catholic…
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.