How is the judge of a fishing contest like a Rudolph Christmas special?
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
My son asked me, âDad, what is coincidence?â
I said, âWeird. I was about to ask you the same thing.â
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. Iâm really struggling, so I ask Ving if heâd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. Iâm like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. Iâm like alright dude! So after school Iâm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. Iâm like whatâs the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that heâd disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally itâs our turn and Ving tells me heâs picked âLeeâ as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then itâs time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he canât do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. âDAD!â Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, âDonât stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!â
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowelsâŚ
She didnât know I existedâŚ
So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building! So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?" So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what? There's no punchline.
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure theyâre not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didnât see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
âDad says if you kick it, weâll be rich!!â
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Ă A-12 doesnât have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, heâs got a certain musk to him.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
Itâs because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts âMickey Mouse!â This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agentâs supervisor takes him aside and asks, âWhat in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?â Blushing, the agent replies, âI got nervous. I meant to shout…… âDonald duck.â
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
If I had a nickel for every time I didnât know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel…
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneâs panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itâs the Wurst Käse scenario.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
âGive it to me now!â She yelled âIâm so wet!â
She can scream all she wants, sheâs not getting my fucking umbrella
A farmer has three daughters…
Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand. The first boy showed up: âIâm Eddy, lookinâ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddyâs, is she ready?â The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off. The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation. The next boy goes: âHi Iâm Bo, lookinâ for Jo. Weâre planning on Moeâs for the picture show, she set to go?â The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off. The farmer waits for the third boy. âHi Iâm Buck-â Bang the farmer shot him.
Iâve been searching for my ex wifeâs killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.