Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by âT-Rexâ
Heâs a small arms dealer
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]âŚ
⌠I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads âBeware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?â
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because itâs in the middle of water
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels canât tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says âDo you smell fish?â Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itâs pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldnât control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didnât have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldnât put it down. I couldnât remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if youâre cold? Stand in the corner. Itâs 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldnât you trust atoms? They make up everything. Whatâs the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You canât tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. Whatâs it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, itâs too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why canât you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didnât the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighborâs backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. Whatâs it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. Whatâs americaâs favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why donât vampires go to barbecues? They donât like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
I signed up for my companyâs 401k but I have one concern
Iâm not sure I can run that far
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birdsâŚ
Theyâve left no tern unstonedâŚ
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p