“How it shows on video tutorials” VS “What happens when you try to do the same on your computer”.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling