How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
When is a mom joke clearly a dad joke?
When It's trans-parent.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Ah yes I love NaCHO3s
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Life! Don’t talk to me about life.
People with Alzheimer’s after forgetting about gravity
Save Icon Coasters (€12,99)
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
Anecdotal evidence good
Biology meets destiny Gun memes
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
How autocorrect works.
Run, matter, run!
Also, I have an exam tomorrow and I’m doing this rather than studying
Boomer humor on a card
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Any sociopaths here?
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
An American Nativity
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
He even printed it out. Maximum old
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
How about some English boomer humour for a change?
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Sometimes science figures are confusingly hilarious
Looking at you Drew Brees
This (huge) online store sorts hard drive capacity by first number
Every Programmer’s Kyptonite
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
No deed goes un-Donald’ed
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
Should have used BCC
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
That tongue-flicking though.
The knights of the round orbital
Circular Linked couldn’t have been explained better!!
I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
When a team of seniors get a fresh graduate project manager
Now you have two problems
HAHA funny bc wife bad no sex!
Working with this right now..
Two friends are walking their dogs–a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua–when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat." But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us." So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. "Sorry," says the owner, "no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," the guy with the Dalmatian says. "A Dalmatian?" "Yes, they're using them now." The owner says, "Very well, then, come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," says the second guy. "A Chihuahua?" asks the incredulous owner. "A Chihuahua?!" says the man in the dark glasses. "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Who’s a good boy
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Some will laugh, some will cry
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
Just a thought…
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
They probably can’t read
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.