How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.