How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
https://ift.tt/2q0r1u4
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.