How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
A poor Irish family lives on a farm…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.