How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
“Wait, I can explain everything.”
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
A clown opened up my post today
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit