How many does it take?
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj