How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
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