How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Because he was too far out
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
They are making headlines!!!
It runs in the jeans
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Because you're a joke.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Its very time consuming.
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
They're both cauldron.
She got sick of me.
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
It’s pasture bedtime.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
Nevermind, it's tearable.
She seemed surprised
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
To be honest even I dont know u choose
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Because he hated his dam job.
It was a complete waist of time…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”