How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis.
LADDER.
I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!" The husband said, "I think she choked."
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
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When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
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Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”