How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.