How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My wife just told me, âI canât find my datebook. Iâve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?â
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
Iâll never forget my granddadâs last words to me just before he diedâŠ
âAre you still holding the ladder!?â
When youâve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
When youâve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
I canât believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making âFriendsâ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Professor X: whatâs your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: thatâs not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day thereâs a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, âMr Driver I havenât had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?â The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. âBoss. We have a problem here.â âWhat is it?â says his boss. The trooper explains heâs stopped a limo for speeding. âYou know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? Iâve caught a big fishâ. âWell who is it man?!â exclaims the sergeant. âHeâs a big fish!â says the trooper! âWell who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!â âBigger fish than that!â says the trooper. âTell me who it is! Is it a senator?!â âBigger!â âThe governor?!â âBIGGER!!â âTell me or Iâll have your badge officer!!!â SCREAMS the sergeant! âI donât know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!â
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, âthatâll be a dollarâ
The guy thinks, âman, thatâs cheap,â but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. âBartender, Iâll have your finest wineâ bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. âThatâll be 50 centsâ. The guy canât believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says âIâll have a whole bottle of your best scotch â. The bartender hands it to him and says âhere. On the houseâ. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks âok. Whereâs the ownerâ bartender replies âupstairs with my wifeâ. The guy asks âwhatâs he doing upstairs with your wife?â And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies âsame thing Iâm doing to his businessâ…
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
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