How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.