How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
[Warning]: 18+
19.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.