How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
german wife bad
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times