How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
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What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar