How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.